"It's so obvious you don't care anymore"

Nearly Four Years I had spent crying over you. 

Enough was enough. After ignoring all five of your calls and an abundance of text messages last night this is what you messaged me "It's so obvious you don't care anymore" and to this I smiled, snuggled further under my duvet in a bed I no longer had to share with you and thought finally perhaps you are realizing what you have done. 

They say that there are several stages of moving on and I was well and truly finished. Done, dusted and moving on. I had finally realized my worth and what I had to offer as a woman and settling was never going to be an option again. 

I didn't need a man to make excuses for, to stay up late crying over, to be hurt physically and mentally by. I didn't want to feel second best or that I was something to be easily forgotten when the time came. I was tired of being depended on yet never experiencing the same support. I've never wanted a love straight out of a movie as that shits not real. I want a forever a once in a lifetime kinda love. So yes its obvious I don't care anymore and its even more obvious that your behavior is the reason why. 

11.11 thoughts.

How do you know if you are in love with someone?

Here are 7 ways to know if you might be in love — rather than in like — with someone:

1. The best part of your day. ...
2. The first person you think about. ...
3. Prioritize above your own needs. ...
4. You'd do anything. ...
5. You are never afraid to express your feelings in public. ...
6. You love the imperfections. ...
7. You think long-term.

Stepping Out, Moving Up.

And just like that everything seemed to change. 

Sometimes you are standing on the precipice. You know what you want, where you see your life going, and what you need to do, but to take that leap can seem daunting to say the very least. We get comfortable as humans, creatures of habit and laziness. 

I am all too familiar of the feeling of comfort in surroundings that I have grown used to. However this year everything has changed. I found the courage to make myself a priority and love the person that I am (sounds pretty selfish) But it was needed. I realized just how under appreciated I was in every situation. In love I gave myself completely only ever asking for the same in return (this didn't happen) In work,  I worked.. hard, met targets and over exceeded expectations lining the pockets of those further up the food chain. In life I lived but rarely in the moment, I was weighed down by future thoughts and permanently thinking of what ifs' This was not the person I wanted to be. 

So I changed it, I still love and trust implicitly (even if this is sometimes hard to do) I work hard but am changing this, no longer shall I be making fat cats fatter but instead making my life richer, new opportunities, new people and something that challenges me in all of the right ways, its right when they say boredom can kill you, I have come close. Life is now lived as it should in every moment, every late night/ early morning/ midday conversation and I no longer plan for the bad things that I feel will come my way instead I don't even give them a second thought. 

I surround myself with good honest people and have left those who want to drag me down well and truly behind me (nearly) For the first time in a long time I have the power to be who I want to be, chase those dreams that have evaded me the last three years and make myself happy. 

Twenty Five.

Let's get our shit together.

I have decided that heartbreak sucks, I am still useless at it and sitting in my pjs skipping out on work and eating copious amounts of ice cream isn't really my style so here I am, new blog, new rules, new adventures.

So let's talk facts;

Yes you have spent time out of the game, probably with someone who will now your moving on will decide to be even worse than they have during your time with them, (Is that possible, I hear you cry) well buckle up hun, cause the answer to that is probably.

I've been in this big ol world really since August and its one full of freedom and possibilities and best thing your emotions are now your own, and imagine that a whole lifetime of you being in charge (it's pretty darn thrilling)

So they are trying to get you back eh? Well that's no surprise your a catch and this is something they should have known all along, and it's a shame they didn't because now your strangers that share some memories together and try not to make eye contact in the street.

You've danced around to Dua Lipa's New Rules a few times right? Great keep dancing let those catchy female empowering lyrics resonate as you leap out of bed and into something new you've bought yourself.

Go out with the girls, drink too much and please do not drunk call him, text him, voice note him, send a carrier pigeon and definitely no taxis to his place, this is dangerous ground to play on.

Bedtime....the worst time of the day, you have made it through work, slapped on that brave face, worn something you felt good in, hit the gym and now your alone watching re runs of god knows what plays on the tv late and night and your sad. That's okay, be sad, learn from it and find out what would make you happier. Message your friends, cry and laugh down the phone and then fall asleep as best as you can, because remember beauty sleep is essential.

And with that beauty sleep is calling me.

Twenty five minus four.

Time to take a minute and just look this is the life you've created. Take a breath. Be proud just for a minute.

Turning 21 in three weeks terrifies me. I never wanted to grow up. I didn't want the family of my own, nor my own home and all of the responsibilities that came with it all. For most of it I didn't even want to get married. I didn't want to be anyone's just happily myself. I had dreams of travelling the world seeing all of the things that before those moments I had only ever heard of. I wanted a life of adventure and culture. To become a part of something and then leave just as quickly as I started and move on to the next world. My life hasn't turned out so Family Swiss Robinson.

In these 21 years I have made friends some that I shall keep for the rest of these years to come, some who I would happily forget. I have fallen in love with too many celebrities, covered my room in posters dedicated to Jared Leto. I have fallen in love with real people too, some I could regret, but luckily I never regret anything life isn't about that. However its taught me never to be reckless with people's hearts it will only make them reckless with mine, this I have learnt all too well. I have made the most fantastic memories and built the most treasured relationship with my mum, without her I wouldn't be a fraction of the person I am today. I have travelled, abroad and in this very country in a little caravan with my grandparents staring out of the window wondering where we were off to next.

I have made fortresses out of pillows and chair cushions. I have fought dragons and befriended all kind of creatures in the stories I have read, heard and created myself. I have taken many photo's some I still laugh at and some that make me cry. I have acted like an idiot most of these 21 years, in the rare moments I have got my shit together and acted half like the adult I am turning into. 

I have headed certain advice, such as "One day you'll know you deserve better, until then keep being yourself" and ignored other advice such as "Don't dye your hair black the colour will change yours forever" all I have to say to that is "Sorry mum you were right" and "Sorry about the years of wrecking the carpet, and the years to come of me wrecking it some more".

I have tried and succeeded and like everybody tried and failed, for example today my 17 year old brother passed his driving test and is driving his brand new Audi round, I have failed mine three times and my Peugeot 106 is still sat in my yard growing moss and its own plants!! You keep going though. 

I have met people that have inspired me to keep going and others that I have come across who have made me want to lie down and give up. These are the ones I am throwing away just like every letter I have from my bank! I have danced like a fool (that's the only way I know how too) alone and in the company of people that I couldn't ever imagine being without.

I have a best friend who makes my day without even trying, she understands me more than a person could and even the days when I think "Hurry up Em we are four hours late" or "Nevermind then we've missed the film" I love her and her family they really are like another part of my family and I wouldn't change this for the world.

I have stayed up far too late, rushed to work as if its a new olympic sport and been pretty useless. I have walked out of jobs as easily as I have luckily walked into them and at the age of 21 I am currently on my tenth job. Its hard working the  9-5 when your dreams do not fit into this. I will write, somewhere, one day.

I have put "holes" in my body as everyone tells me, I have an unhealthy addiction to piercings, and am trying to not have any more much to everyone's relief. I have loved and lost, loosing my grandmother is the hardest thing I have ever gone through but through this it has taught me about inner strength and that includes having days when even the smallest of things makes you burst into tears and you still aren't exactly sure as to why. It made me see my mum for the person that she truly is and this only makes me proud to be a part of this amazing woman.

Learning more and more about my mum as I got older has been one of the most amazing things, Doing what she has done single handedly is just mind blowing and I hope I can be just as she has been when I become a mum. Her inner strength yet ability to show such vulnerability bowls me over. Her honesty has been instilled in me as a woman and her knowledge (definitely about hair dying) makes me better everyday. I owe everything that I am and ever will be to my mum.

I look back on these two decades and a sparkly little year and think "Ohmydays" Time really has flown even on the days when it really felt like it couldn't have gone any slower! I am so very lucky to have the people that I do in my life, I would say blessed however in these past 21 years a love of God has never found its way into this heart of mine. I am truly overwhelmed by just what I have and what I have achieved. Life isn't measured by how much money you have in the bank and if it was then mine would certainly look pretty hopeless right now, but how many people you have around you and the memories that become your treasured possessions. I have too many of these and for this I may as well be the richest wannabe writer there ever was. 

I love everyone who has made these 21 years be it good or bad, its been an experience and surely that's what its all about?

Here's to the next 21.